I spoke on the last blog about the summer of overwhelm. How sometimes the anxiety of the "to do" list can take over. It feels a bit uncomfortable to talk about my anxiety and how it effects me....But I am reminding myself that that is the reason for The Mothership, that I wanted to be honest so that other women feeling the same know that they arent the only ones. There have been many times throughut my Matrescence that I have felt like I must be the only one feeling a certain way, and after reading other peoples blogs or listening to other women sharing their stories it has given me such confidence and really made me feel better about my own experience.
Well, if you've been following the mothership for a while you might’ve noticed that I’ve been a bit quiet over the last month. I’d love to say that I’ve been being creative and working on some secret project. But the truth is I’ve been hiding out. Following a busy June with work, and managing the start of the school holidays I started to feel really conscious and anxious about everything. My mum left to go back to the Uk ( she’s been here helping with the boys for my busy work period) which always leaves me feeling really low.. I also started spending too much time scrolling and comparing myself to other people, which just sent me over the edge and made me doubt everything I was working toward and posting about. I would write a post then delete it because of being too worried about what people’s thoughts would be on it. Caring way too much about things that don’t matter. So I felt that I needed some time off. Time away from trying to build - away from reaching for something constantly and just have some time for being present in Motherhood and looking around me at what I have and what it's all for.
So that’s what I did. I had originally planned for my 5 year old to be at summer school every day: but we cancelled. We decided to give it a go and keep him at home. We hung out, went to the beach or the park, had friends over and watched telly. It was both good and bad, happy and stressful, kisses and cuddles and arguments and slammed doors (I’ve said it before - teenager in a 5 year olds body!) but overall it’s been great and we’ve become closer. I’ve started to understand him more and to find a way to speak to him in those difficult moments. Don’t get me wrong, there were also times where I have wanted to lock myself in the bathroom just for 5 minutes alone time, there's been times when i've snapped- but we have definitely got some kind of new understanding of each-other. Not having to rush out the door and take things at a slower pace has made a real difference to all our our nerves.
We had one of my oldest friends come to stay with us with her kids for a week and we took this as a week of holiday. It cost me a fortune but it was incredible. I actually got to enjoy the summer on our island. See it from a tourist perspective and actually enjoy it. We get so caught up in the day to day of living here - school runs, work, what’s for dinner, clean the house etc etc we forget why we moved here. I got to watch a sunset and play at the beach all day. We ate in gorgeous restaurants and took in the scenery. The house was full and noisy. Stressful at times but so good seeing the kids playing and happy (most of the time) Sometimes it also makes it easier when the kids have friends over to entertain them. Also co-parenting with friends is absolutley the one.
Tomorrow we go back to the UK for August, back to the motherland to soak in family and friends ready to come back for a busy September and to kick off the winter season in Ibiza. After topping up the love tank and feeling much more appreciative of everything I have I'll be ready to get back and kick start the mothership mission once again.
This motherhood journey keeps changing and giving me new versions of myself that I have learn to navigate. Lets see what version comes next?!
Lou x
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