Up until now, it has been a challenging path for me to openly discuss my journey through Matrescence (the process of becoming a mother) without the fear of facing criticism. I have kept a lot inside because I was embarrassed to acknowledge my difficulties. I experienced feelings of inadequacy, believing I was flawed and unsuccessful as a mother, and feared judgment from other women. However, in order to offer support to fellow mothers, I believe it is time to open up. Matrescence is a complex journey with many facets, a topic I could delve into extensively. For now, let's begin here...
Before having children, I can't remember ever feeling self-conscious. I can't remember ever feeling anything other than confident. I was the life and soul of the party and always full of confidence. I felt happy in my body, I felt at ease around anyone. Enjoying conversations and social gatherings effortlessly with old friends & new aquaintances alike. I was so confident at work and I was always up for trying something new or going to new places without a worry.
Then I had babies. Following the birth of my first child, I noticed the first signs of things being different the second we were told we could go home from the hospital. I was terrified to leave. All of a sudden, the world outside my comfy, private, and quiet hospital room seemed too big. It seemed dirty and unsafe. It felt like all of a sudden I was on high alert. My body felt on edge, ready to react at the first sign of any danger. I cried the whole way home, terrified of the germs in the air and the danger of the car crashing on our way back to our house. I made my husband circle the block twice to avoid seeing people we knew sitting outside our restaurant opposite the house. The thought of seeing anyone filled me with fear - I didn't want to speak to anyone. I wanted to get home, walk through the door, and slam it shut - locking out the outside world and hunker down with my precious new baby. I certainly had never experienced anything like this before and it felt almost like an out of body experience.
We finally made it home, and the second we walked inside the front door, I felt this urge to clean the house top to bottom. We had arranged for a cleaner to come and deep clean the house while we were at the hospital - so this was completeky irrational, but somehow I just felt that I had to clean it agin. I spent the next week inside the house with my baby. I didnt want to leave. We had afew visitors to see the baby, but when they came round I felt so nervous with them touching the baby and wanting to hold him- I was relieved when they left.
The day came when we had to go to take a photo of my new son for his passport. We were planning a visit home and he needed it to travel. He was tiny, and I was not ready to face the outside world. I remember so clearly walking down the stairs of my apartment block with my baby strapped to my chest in a carrier. He was all snuggled up in there safe and sound. But when we got to the front door, I froze. I reached my hand out to open the door and I just froze there staring at the door handle. My husband came and gave me a reassuring arm, and assured me it would all be ok. That it would do us all good to get out. Then off we went. Out into the world. Again on high alert, the world seemed more dangerous but it obviously got easier from that point on. Although I have never been quite the same person as I was before I had my baby.
In many cultures women stay at home with their baby for the first 40 days after having a child. They are kept together just them with no external pressures. This has a huge impact on the mother’s mental health. I felt a huge pressure to bounce back and be back to going out and seeing people straight away- looking back I wish I had taken mire time to just be at home with my baby.
I see danger in everything now. In a split second, I can access a situation and mentally pan out all the possible outcomes of what might happen. I try to push my anxieties to the back of my mind - otherwise I wouldnt leave the house. I find it hard to watch the news or social media about all the terrible things going on in the world, because it makes me worried about it all happening to us. It makes me worry for the future of my children and the world they have to discover and what it will be like for them.
It’s not just the potential risks and dangers that now cause the anxieties. I also now struggle with self confidence. I feel massive social anxiety in a lot of situations. I rarely feel confident in the way I look, how I act and what I say, how I work and how I dress. It’s like I am still re discovering this new version of myself. What works for me and what doesnt.
If you've been following the Mothership for a while, you may know that I have recently started to study a wonderful course to support women through their matrescence. The course is called Mama Rising by an incredible woman called Amy Taylor-Kabaaz. In the course I have learnt that to feel anxious and unfamiliar with yourself is extremely common for women. That many mothers going through matrescence struggle with the new version of themselves and the new emotions that come with having a baby. That the worries and anxieties about the world are all because now my brain has been wired to protect this little person, and that I have essentially gone into mama bear mode. We are wired to protect our children of course, but with so much media and information around us now- there is a lot of perceived danger and it seems constant.
The lack of self confidence is because I am a different person to who I was before I had children. And this new person is different. She has different skills, different cares, even a different body. She is a whole new version of me that I am still getting to know. So it takes time to feel comfortable and confident.
What I feel is an important takeaway from my learnings so far is to realize that these feelings are totally normal. I often felt (and still do often feel) that I am the only one feeling this way. That everyone else is taking it all in their stride. Of course not everyone is the same, and there are a lot of women that are lucky enough to sail into motherhood naturally and feel completely at ease with their new world. But if you don't - that is ok. It is so common to feel different and not quite know how to navigate this new version of yourself. I have only realized this since doing the Mama Rising course and learning about the extent of matrescence.
For now I am trying to take a slower pace at life. Take my time to discover myself again. I am still navigating being a new mother (even 6 years and another child later) and as I am learning and being more mindful - it is getting much easier. Im starting to like the new version of me, but it is definitely a work in progress.
Id love to hear your thoughts and If anyone is struggling with their motherhood journey- please reach out.
Louise xx
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